Why Jogging is Stupid (Part 2: Organized Sports)

I am not a team player. I’m not a team player necessarily because I’m a glory hound. I’m not a team player because more often than not, the team would rather not have me as a player. I don’t think it was part of the natural order of things for someone to be as athletically uncoordinated as I am. I can shoot a basketball with the best of them, I just can’t actually get it to go through the hoop. I’m a champion bat swinger, unless I’ve actually got to hit something and as far as catching a pop fly, I will root myself down underneath the shadow of that son of a bitch and it will bounce off my glove. The ball can be falling down on me in slow motion and I will still manage to close my glove moments before it lands. I wasn’t bad at playing football if you discount my magical fumbling techniques. Croquet pisses me off, ping pong wouldn’t be so bad if the damn ball would just stay on the table, golf is dumb regardless of how many watermills and clown heads you give me to hit through.
I was pretty good at volleyball, I had a wicked serve, but boys aren’t supposed to be good at volleyball so I had gender issues about that one. Not to mention here in Spain it is legal to volley with your feet. What in the hell is it with this country and kicking shit? The other day I was standing on the street corner reading while waiting for my bus and a group of 15 year olds came and started kicking me around back and forth between themselves. It wasn’t until I spoke up that the part of the brain that involuntary makes their legs swat anything not bolted down relaxed and they set me up right again putting me back where they had found me.
I don’t enjoy soccer. I have tried and I will continue to try for the time that I am living here. I don’t like the fact that I can turn around to ask the bartender for another beer and have missed the only interesting thing that will happen in the whole 90 minutes. Soccer is huge amongst Spaniards and I think it is even bigger in the British expat scene.

Here’s a riddle for you:
Q = What did the American say to the group of British guys at the pub?
A = He didn’t say shit because he knows fuck-all about soccer.

It’s not a very good riddle, it’s sort of a work in progress.

I do know an American who can bullshit about soccer. I’ve heard him, he can go on for a while before they find him out and beat on him for being a “wanker”. The Canadian expat scene seems to be open-minded towards soccer, but in the end it’s all about hockey. I’m okay with hockey for the reason that those bastards can take a punch. For as masculine a sport that soccer pretends they spend an awful lot of time rolling around on the field holding onto various parts of themselves. I think I’ve even see some of them cry. They then usually run to a referee who immediately reprimands the “bad player” by showing him some red and yellow construction paper. This is apparently to remind the player not only will he have to sit down from the game, but he won’t be allowed to partake in arts and crafts after the match. In hockey when someone wrongs another player, it’s going to result in an ass-whoopin. Nobody runs to the referee, he just shows up because everyone knows it’s not easy to scrub blood out of ice. The offending hockey player is then thrown in a glass encircled cage until his lust for blood has calmed and he is deemed worthy of re-entering society, but nobody cries.
The one European sport I enjoy is rugby. There’s no rolling around here. If a rugby player were to start pulling that melodramatic nonsense, the referee would run over and start kicking him too. These guys can take a hit, they’ll walk off the field with someone else’s teeth in their mouth.
Valencia has a sport that is specific to the region. It’s called pilota valenciana. This sport involves two teams of two hitting a ball against a wall. It functions similar to handball in that sense. I don’t know what the ball is made of, but it is smaller and harder. The players have to wear special gloves so as not to mangle their “thwacking hands”. The interesting thing about this sport though, is that the players appear to be safer than the audience. The players are at least armed with some sort of protective device, the spectators however, not so much. The audience is seated all along three sides of the court. They are seated along the left hand side, which is probably fairly safe, except for a few stray shots that wander off into their direction. They are also seated behind the players, this can get hairy because the ricochet or a missed ball goes firing into their lot. It’s the unmentioned third group that has me concerned. This group is sitting above the wall that the players are smacking the ball at. The two other groups of spectators are at risk of a sound thumping, but from a ball traveling at a diminished momentum (albeit still pretty damn fast). This group above the wall however, they’re looking at a direct shot from the ball at its maximum velocity. I have not attended one of these in person, so I can’t say for sure, but I’m curious to know how one ends up in these seats. Are the “flincher” seats the same price as the others? Do they have their own versions of the gloves that they bring with them to the matches like fans at a baseball game?
I believe that the root of my cynicism towards organized sports comes from the clichéd excuse of always being picked last in gym class. The teams would generally flip a coin between me and the girl that had to wear the corrective back brace. In an attempt to retain my dignity I would often try to cheer up my reluctant team members by reminding them that when I fell down I didn’t need someone else to roll me over off my back. This last attempt at dignity was generally shredded as she was coming down from her 10th rebound and I was still trying to figure out which hoop I was supposed to be running towards.