Grunge Goes Green

I wrote this piece over a year ago as a fictitious news article. At the time I had just heard about a collection of "What If" stories that had been published (I don't remember the title), I had also been reading Philip Roth who had written an historical fiction of American history if Charles Lindberg had defeated FDR for the presidency. I had decided to take a lighter approach and hit it from a music angle,which was, what if Kurt Cobain hadn't committed suicide. This was supposed to be an exercise in a literary group that I was starting with two other local Irish fellows to bring together the disjointed English writer community in Valencia (it might be a myth). Things didn't quite pan out, as often things don't. It's been written, so I suppose it should be read. There are some random characters in here for you to test your 90's rock star knowledge.
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Grunge Goes Green
March 23, 2006

Seattle (AP) --- What ever became of Grunge? Its eleven year absence could have been described as a cooling period, but as of last Monday morning at the 9:00 bell of the NYSE it became official. Grunge is dead.

Grunge was born in Seattle sometime in the late 80’s and the rest of the world was introduced on a cold January night in 1992 when life was breathed into it via a sound stage on Saturday Night Live in New York City and fittingly it was put to rest in NYC as well by the very same man, former 90’s grunge pioneer Kurt Cobain. Cobain has since gone from the mouthpiece of disenfranchised youth, thriving on the pathos that life is misery, to corporate executive by taking his image makeover company Doll Parts, Inc public. Stocks are currently being sold at $68 per share making Doll Parts, Inc (DPTI) instantly worth millions.

Doll Parts began in 1995, in the wake of Nirvana’s last and most successful album to date, the concept double album Clement of Alexandria based on the teachings of the 2nd century moralist and ethicist. Immediately after its release the band inexplicably broke up. Upon seizing all rights and property of Nirvana Cobain began his first venture with the image makeover firm by co-producing the multi-platinum 1996 art rock masterpiece Saffron, reintroducing the 70’s musical super group REO Speedwagon back to the top of the musical charts.

Former Alice In Chains lead singer Layne Staley, and current Starbucks franchise owner of 8 stores around the Seattle area and 6 stores in Billings, Montana, said that he wasn’t at all surprised by Cobain’s move into the corporate world, “Kurt has always had that sixth sense for what to hold onto and when to let it go. Having that inherent perception is the key to success when buying, selling or marketing a product. I mean look at their album Nevermind, which turned the world up on its ears and then four years later to put out something like Clement, that was no accident. He knew what he was doing. People will forever be asking about the Nirvana reunion. No matter what he does from here on out, he will always have that to fall back on.”

Interviews with former music associates, partners and fans have turned up the same lack of surprise at Cobain’s newest business venture.
“He created a sense of hope in this town that anybody could be successful as long as you were true. I came here to be inspired and I was. Look at me now I have a full time job in the center of the coolest place on Earth. I have people that work for me and I have people that respect me. Kurt created this for me and for a lot of other people.” said Gavin Rossdale, night manager of Staley’s Westlake Ave store in downtown Seattle. (Editor’s note: Rossdale has since been deported back to his home country of England for unlawfully working while on an expired visa.)

Stone Gossard, guitarist for the sole remaining successful Grunge era band Pearl Jam, “It’s not enough to have invented the wheel, you’ve got to keep reinventing it in order to survive. Had we not finally parted ways with the record companies and began selling our music exclusively at shows and online, I know that we wouldn’t have lasted as we have. Kurt has always had a sense for that; he has always been able to read the pulse of what was going on around him. Look at what he did for REO Speedwagon. There you have a band that for all intents and purposes should have been dead in the water, but now nine years after he gets his hands on them you can’t turn around without hearing their songs or seeing them in some media format.”

Krist Noveslic, former Nirvana bass player and current United States Congressman for Washington State’s 1st District. “Kurt has created a marketing economy here that easily rivals the tech and software economy. Doll Parts has given a new face to old dogs such as General Electric, Ford Motor Company and Boeing. The jobs created from Ford and GE moving their bases of operations here alone has been tremendous. This doesn’t take into consideration the boost in economy that we have received from the relocation of the Twins from Minnesota and then for the Vikings to immediately follow suit. For the last three years both World Series baseball teams have been from Seattle and last year we saw the first ever Superbowl to be played not only by two teams from the same city, but to be coincidentally hosted in that very city. The energy here has been amazing and that was Kurt, he salvaged the Twins and Vikings, he convinced the public to replace KeyArena with Berthe Knight Landes Field.”
“I frankly don’t know what the hell Grunge is, so I’m certainly not going to say that Kurt killed it. If anything he dispelled the morose image of slacker whininess that somehow got pinned on us. Who’s your slacker now? The son of a bitch is responsible for the continued success of nearly every Fortune 500 west of the Mississippi.” said Dave Grohl, former Nirvana drummer and current front man/songwriter of the multi platinum and Grammy winning band The Foo Fighters.

Spokespeople from Doll Parts, Inc have said that the continued success of the former Nirvana members outside of the band has insured that there will not be a new album or reunion anytime soon.
“Dave has been very successful with The (Foo) Fighters and Krist has launched a successful, and we hope, a long political career. Neither of them is in a position to get back together with Nirvana, nor is either one of them being accused of killing grunge. Kurt is just doing what they are doing and is moving on, he is not responsible for the death of anything.” said Doll Parts stockholder Albert Jorgenson.

Cobain’s company which had initially started out in the music business has announced plans to establish a subsidiary company within the next year that will focus solely on managing the Nirvana catalog as well as recording and producing upcoming releases by REO Speedwagon, The Strokes and Fat, Gristly Beef.