Why Jogging is Stupid (Part 1: The Gym)

I’ve started jogging again; we’ll see how long it lasts. I do this every now and then, I get on a fitness kick and pay attention to the calories I’m eating and go to bed with visions of my dancing biceps and monster abs. In reality I don’t have the patience for dancing biceps, monster abs, rock hard gluts or any of that extreme anatomy nonsense. Essentially I just want to continue my beer drinking, ice cream and pizza eating lifestyle and not have it reflect physically. In order for me to do that I have to either: join a gym, play some sort of organized sport or jog.
I joined a gym last year. This gym had a special fitness instructor that would personally design the workout plan best suited to your body type and your desired end results. The gym was air-conditioned (always a plus when exerting yourself during the Spanish summer), they had a free juice machine, free video rental, and foxy Spanish ladies working at the front desk. I was sold. I signed the dotted lines and tried to understand Miguel Angel, my personal trainer, who knowledgeable of my foreign lifestyle tried to explain things to me through a series of grunts and gestures and didn’t understand that I came from across the Atlantic and not the Middle Paleolithic. It didn’t matter, after a few demonstrations of how to plant corn, start a fire and the brief introduction to the wheel I was off and going. My workout started with a run on the treadmill. I enjoyed the treadmill, I enjoyed the fact that I could watch television and it was still considered working out. I enjoyed stepping off the treadmill and onto the sides and making it go really fast while I looked on wondering what would happen if I stepped back on it at that moment. I never did. But I did do several faceplants as my flailing arms would occasionally catch the emergency kill cord bringing everything to a confusing and starling halt. From the treadmill I would move on to my assigned workouts at each assigned machine.
Regardless of the explanation given me by my silverback instructor, he was of no use to me anymore. He had pretty Spanish receptionists to be flirting with. His job description was to give me a quick once over and apparently we were done. I can’t help but imagine that he had to have seen me over there, if not only out of the corner of his eye, snapping my tibia from my femur while trying to wrap it around the big padded dealie. I know he saw me sprawled upside down while attempting to achieve my pull up on the machine with all of the chains and ropes (whatever happened to the bar bolted to the wall, I could figure that out). At no point did he even express interest in helping. It finally took a 78 year old lady in her track suit to explain to me that I was supposed to be sitting down and facing the machine as opposed to my impressive feat of having thrown one leg over the top of the machine while having wrapped my other leg around the column of weight plates.
After a while I noticed that everyone had been given the same weight plan. I noticed this as 8 of us stood in line to use one machine while the others remained untouched. I had time to look at their training plan cards. None of these people looked anything like me, one was fat, one was old, one was already in good shape and it had dawned on me that that 78 year lady had been trailing me pretty closely as well. I was beginning to think that our trainer Miguel Angel wasn’t really giving his all to his chosen profession, especially considering that by this point he had stepped outside for a smoke with the foxy receptionist.
It didn’t take me long to remember that I don’t like gyms. This was the fourth gym that I had graced with my presence and it had all immediately come back to me as to why I had left the others. I don’t have the patience and I don’t really like gym people. By gym people I mean people who go to gyms, people who work in them and even people that walk by gyms on their way from somewhere to somewhere else. It seems harsh, but by proximity they’re gym people too. They have a discipline that I will never have and in all fairness that is reason enough for me to not like them.